Not such a good day today...

I'm really sorry that I've been so down and out with my posts lately. I feel bad that my attitude seems so negative, that I am not reaching for the positive. I've been having a bad couple of days. Today was another meltdown day, I cried so hard today. I cried to Paul. My eyes still sting and they are a little puffy - you know how it goes. Seems that maybe I have accepted that I have
had breast cancer. ("Had" being the operative word here, since I pray that it's gone after surgery) I may have been in denial these last couple of weeks, I'm not sure. But I do know, that it seemed to hit me HARD today. I can admit when I am depressed. I have strength and I will be ok, though!

[Caution - textual graphic-ness coming up]
I honestly felt like a cranky 2 year old who really needed a nap. I needed to shower today and I just couldn't get in the shower. I was scared of the water hitting my breasts, for fear that it would hurt. I took off my "bringing sexy back bra" that was hospital issued after surgery for support, today. I couldn't look at my breasts to see where the incisions are at. I couldn't peel off the bandages that were covering them. I do know that I have internal stitches and that I have dermabond (skin glue) on top of the incision site. The bandages that are covering them are simply there to help so the bra wouldn't "rub" the area. I saw lots of black and blue today - pen marks where I had these monster injections of radioactive dye that eventually would go to my lymph nodes for a sentinel lymph node biopsy - yellowing on the left breast as it heals from the MR-guided biopsy a week ago. But I couldn't look at the incision site on the right side.
[END graphic-ness]

I gave myself a sponge bath and Paul washed my hair in the sink today. Maybe it'll be a better day tomorrow.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIFF! Love you girl! Thanks for calling!

XOXO
T