Monday, December 21, 2009

{It's the same shit, every year}

The time of year, when everyone joins in holiday cheer, to celebrate the holidays with family and friends. Holiday parties, good food, homemade goods and decor. (It's the same shit, every year)

I thought that when we picked out our Christmas tree, that I would start to feel the holiday cheer. (I'm trying) I'm doing the traditional things I do each year, snapping pictures of holiday stuff, keeping a December Daily Scrapbook, sending holiday cards, thinking of creative homemade gifts for friends and family. (It's the same shit, every year)

The closer that Christmas and the New Year gets, I want to resist it. It started back in October. I didn't want Thanksgiving to come, because it meant that Christmas was coming, then the New Year, then a long cold few months of winter. (It's the same shit, every year)

I'm just not feeling it. I feel like shit, I'm down and out. I could put all of the holiday decor away and never think twice about the holidays. I don't want to go Christmas shopping, I don't have any money anyways. (It's the same shit, every year)

It's hard to live with someone who LOVES CHRISTMAS and enjoys every minute of it. He can't step off his Holiday Cheer to see that I'm in turmoil, he calls me nuts. He can't keep it simple, he blows it into monstrous proportions. He tells me that "everyone tries to ruin his Christmas."

Pretty much every year after Nov. 1 comes, I travel down that deep dark road that only I understand. I put on that "other" face, the acceptable one.

1 comment:

Penny said...

Oh my, oh my, oh my... do I feel your pain. I've had trouble with Christmas since 1995 , as it marked the day my dad went into the hospital and never came home. Now this year is the first Christmas since my daughter's death last month. Whatever the reason for going to the dark place, it's real and it's painful.

I'm in angst over the commercials, the music, the pressure to outwit, outlast and outplay everyone's holiday games.

I just need it to be Saturday. Then I can strat having panic attacks over New Year's Eve. Yes, the panic attacks have returned.

Here's a cyber hug {XX}. Ihope it helps a little.